Fly-in Fly-out Family

Everyone seems to be talking about it, everyone wants a piece of the action. 'It' is the 'mining boom'. Perhaps You
have thought about what it would be like be a Fly-In-Fly-Out family. Maybe You or your partner have started a conversation about working in the mines.

My hubby and Teddy's daddy is an industrial sparky. At the moment, not much is going on in Brisbane and we have a few financial goals. So…when Teddy was born in April last year, we decided that Daddy would be sent packing to the mines. This is how we find our lifestyle, how it works (and doesn't work) for us and what it is like for me at home - a single mum for 3/4 of the time.

To begin with, the lingo. Fly-in Fly-out is FIFO. Three on, one off refers to weeks. Ten on, four off refers to days and so on. Rotations are stints or hitches. Easy.

My husband generally works on projects that have a three on, one off rotation so our lives are dictated by a four-week cycle. It has been this way since Teddy was about three months old. I'm not going to lie, this lifestyle is not for everyone. Yes, the money is good. Yes, we are heading toward our financial goals. Yes, we sacrifice quite a bit for it. Will hubby be FIFO forever? No way. The birth of our yet-to-be-conceived second child will bring hubby home for good. I admire every single mother out there, but I have no wish to raise two children single-handedly three weeks out of four.

So how does a couple who love nothing more than lazy Sundays spent chasing Teddy around the park and having brunch survive? For a long time I wondered this too, because it seemed as though our relationship was becoming really very hard. We try to chat every day, (with the phone on speaker or on Skype), so Teddy can hear/see Daddy. It is very important to us that from day one he knew who his dad was, we didn't want Daddy to be an outsider when he came home. For the first half dozen stints, we were pleasant to each other while he was away - I would text a photo of Teddy every morning. The week back, about midway, we would erupt at each other (ok, I would erupt and hubby would bite back). Suddenly our fairly normal marriage began to feel like very very hard work. Why? I put it down to the lack of daily wifey-husband back and forth that makes up a partnership. You can't nag a man who isn't there (not that he needs much nagging, and honestly I don't nag too much ;) ) so it gets bottled up for later.

So how did we deal with it? We now actively keep our daily catch up light and don't talk about anything remotely serious unless absolutely necessary. We respect the effort the other is putting in. We actually sat down and told the other that we recognised how hard they were working and how much we appreciated it. This was so important for me to hear, as I was feeling unsupported. This isn't because my husband doesn't support me, he thinks I'm exceptional, but I needed to hear it.

I also make a bigger effort to step back when it comes to Teddy and Daddy time. This can be hard when little things change over the three weeks and well, let's face it - I get much more practice at doing everything! Now Teddy is older (14 months) this has become easier.

How do I cope while hubby is away? Truth is, this has become much easier. I have gone back to my PhD, so Teddy has a nanny 2 mornings a week and daycare for 2 days a week. While I am now busier and that comes with another set of challenges, I am not at home with Teddy all day every day. Do not get me wrong, I love being home with my son and feel extremely lucky to have stayed home for the first year - but when every week is the same (not broken up with Daddy being home on weekends) the days tended to roll into one and I felt hubby's absence more than I do now. I have a great network of friends & weekly playdates set up with each of them…surrounding myself and Teddy with activity means we have somewhere to go and I have adult conversations regularly. I have also become much better at leaning on my in-laws for babysitting, so I get a break to just have a cuppa & read a magazine for an hour or two every now and again. I definitely have made peace with accepting help when it is offered, & asking for it too…finally realising that I can not do it all alone 3 weeks out of 4 - Teddy is a dynamic toddler now & keeping up with him takes energy!

In terms of missing my husband, I think one just gets on with it. No point pining for someone who isn't there - we'd both be miserable. Of course I miss him, but I tend to not think about him going when he is home and I don't think of him being home when he is gone. In saying that, I allow myself a moment of sadness just before he leaves & a bit of utter loneliness once a week while he is away (this happened by accident, Sundays are my 'lonely' day - I think it is because all the other Daddys are home). This allows me to vent my feelings, have a cry and then move on.

How does Teddy cope with Daddy being away? Very well. Children are very adaptable, Teddy has never known any different. Part of the reason we are doing the FIFO thing now is because Teddy won't remember not having Daddy around when he is older. He happily 'chats' to Daddy on the phone or Skype & doesn't skip a beat when Daddy arrives home. When he was younger, the first night or two I would put Teddy to bed by myself as it was a bit too much for him with Daddy there too but this is not a problem at all now.

All in all, this lifestyle isn't for everyone but with a bit of thought and a lot of effort it can be done - we don't regret our choice to do this, & You never know how You will cope until You try.

Much love,
Audrey xox